Perspective

I’ve been with Justin minus, maybe, four hours since Friday at 4:00pm. It is now Monday night at 7:42pm. In that time I have wanted to walk away from parenting and have my tubes tied approximately 84 times. Justin is teething, not sleeping well, and is fussing every 6 minutes. I cannot leave the room without him crying. I have been up between 4:30 and 5:00 each morning. Feel sorry for me yet? I can keep going…

Just now, a very dear friend and horrible, rotten person posted this video onto Facebook. You see, I enjoy feeling sorry for myself. It makes me feel okay for eating ice cream and drinking Chardonnay. It makes me feel as if I have things so badly I deserve my vices. I don’t like when people bring to my attention how good I have it and how fortunate I am. I. Don’t. Like. It. I mean, really? Who likes a dose of reality? Not this girl.

I’m posting this video and warning all parents who have thought, just thought about dropping their child off at the local fire station. Don’t do it. Well, unless you’re a cracked-out whore, then by all means, gets to steppin'. But if you’re in my circle of friends and acquaintances I can’t imagine that’s the case. And if that IS the case I need to work on my judgment skills. 

Here’s the video: http://storie.worthytoshare.com/husband-didnt-expect-to-have-a-daughter-that-was-different. Go ahead. Don’t cry. Don’t run into your child’s room and give him a million kisses. Don’t ever wonder how on Earth you could ever imagine giving your child away. I dare you.

I needed to see this video tonight. I had been questioning this whole parenting thing this weekend and wondering if I was up to the challenge of having more kids. NOT that I’m saying I’m having more, but this video, at the very least, helped the kid I do have. Being a good parent is hard work. I am so thankful to have a healthy boy. I am so thankful to have a boy who is thriving. I am so thankful I can provide him all he needs. I am so thankful.

Come on, Get Happy!

I would be lying if I said 2014 wasn’t one of the greatest years of my life. I gave birth to the cutest, happiest little man ever. Ever. Sorry, other boys… However, there’s still something missing. NO! Not another kid. Don’t even think it. I’ll give you a second to take back that thought. Dum da dum… Queue Jeopardy music… Did you take it back? Thank You.

I think what I have found to be missing is balance and complete happiness. I know this is hard for any new mom to find, but I believe I can. First off, I need to let go of the woman I was before Justin. That woman was organized, clean, cooked most nights, didn’t ask for much help, and was usually always prepared. Post-Justin woman is a mess, still clean, heats up frozen meals, asks for help all the time, and well, can’t see beyond the next hour. I’m sure I’m not the only one, and, if I am, keep it to yourself, Superwomen.

As I reflect on 2014 and prepare (ha!) for 2015, I need to remind myself that my life is very different from last year and it does not make sense to do things as I did before. I refrain from ever using the term “Old Self” in therapy. To me, this implies that there was something terribly wrong about that former self. You see, I would not be who I am today if it had not been for all my previous experiences, thoughts, and feelings. I must thank the Aimee that came before me, or my “Evolved Self”. She molded me into who I am today. My “Evolved Self” has provided me the insight and perspective I need to continue growing and learning.

My goal in 2015 is to be happy. Here’s how I am going to do it: 

·       First, I am going to remove any toxins that are in my life: lack of exercise, poor eating habits, people, and etcetera. If at any time I question what I am doing or who is around me, I will remove it. (Unless it’s chardonnay or a Pizookie, but anything else....)

·      Second, I will take control of my feelings. I have written about this before, but I think I need a refresher. I am in control of my thoughts and feelings and no one can take that power from me. I will not allow anyone to dictate how I feel. When I am happy, no amount of bitching, negativity, anxiety, or passive-aggressive behavior can trump the way I feel.

·      Third, and most simply, I need to remind myself that I “get” to do things versus “having” to do things. I “get” to do laundry because I am in a home with a washer and dryer and I have so many clothes that need washing. I “get” to wake up at 3:00 nearly every morning to feed my son because I have been blessed with a healthy baby. I “get” to go to work because I need money. That last example didn’t sound as positive, but it’s still true.

I don’t believe finding happiness is any real struggle or complicated maze to navigate. If it doesn’t make you happy, find a way to make it better or stop doing it. Don’t settle for anything that doesn’t make you happy because you think that’s all you deserve. We ALL deserve to be happy. Go out and find your happiness.

Becoming Apparent

 

I have now been a mother for 34 days and have learned, or realized, so much. The first thing I’ve learned is that we are all simple creatures. My son is completely content when clean, fed, rested, kissed, hugged, and acknowledged. He knows what’s up. Often times we complicate everything and we really don’t need to. Do we have means to a clean ass? Are our stomachs full? Do our heads lie on a cozy pillow, and if we’re lucky, next to the love of our life each night? Are we loved and appreciated by those around us? I can answer “Yes” to all of these, which makes my life A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. (Throw in the fact I have a housecleaning service come in bi-weekly and it’s like I’m living a frickin’ fairytale.)

What Justin has reminded me is that when these basic needs are met, we have the ability to be at peace. Sure, shitty things happen, but that’s just a part of life. It’s no wonder, then, how soothing a good meal, a nap, an embrace, or a kind word can be. See? Simple.

It’s been no secret in my circle of friends and family that I have had, at times, crippling anxiety. I could trace it back to when I was much younger, but it really didn’t show up (read: diagnosed) until 2008. I had gotten married and watched my Nana die within a short few months of each other. Those two huge life events lead me on my path of self-discovery and Xanax. Since then, with the help of my amazing therapist (and wine), I have learned new ways to cope with my anxiety.

It really wasn’t until I got pregnant did I feel like I had a handle on my anxiety. I did not want that negativity and toxicity in my body. I basically made the decision not to be anxious. Sounds easy, right? Well, it was. I had all I needed: food, shelter, love. Anything more than that is a blessing and anything less than that will be dealt with when the problem presented itself. I didn’t have words for this until I had Justin. Is there a problem? Solve it. Is there not a problem? Don’t create one. I can’t imagine Justin lies awake at night worrying about his next explosive poop or if someone will have food for him when he wakes up. He lives in the moment and that is something to admire.

I titled this blog entry “Becoming Apparent” because it’s all so clear to me now (as clear as things can be in a sleep deprived haze). It’s a play on words. So clever, am I. I’ve become a parent and it’s apparent now how complicated I have made my life up until this point. Here I thought it was my job to teach Justin things, little did I know that I would be the student.

A Letter to Our Unborn Son

Dear Son,

                I just wanted to give you a heads up that you are going to hate your father and me at some point. And when that happens, I’m going to smile, because I will know we’re doing our job correctly. It is our job to be your parents, not your friend. We are going to set expectations for you. We will expect you to treat others with respect and dignity. We will expect you to follow rules. We will expect you to be honest and truthful. We will expect you to always try your best. We will expect you to be kind. If any of these expectations are not met, there will be consequences. I don’t know what those consequences are right now, but trust me, you will be upset and hate us. You will be upset, not at me, not at your father, but at yourself. Why will you be upset with yourself, you wonder? You will be upset with yourself because you will know you did not meet the expectations set out for you, when you know you are more than capable of doing so.

                This may seem harsh and you will undoubtedly hate us once you’re old enough to know what’s going on. It’s culturally acceptable right now for parents to turn a blind eye to and make excuses for the things their children do. It’s culturally acceptable for schools to do the same. It’s culturally acceptable to teach our youth that there are no consequences to their actions. It’s culturally acceptable to let our youth do and have whatever they want without earning it. Without even working for it. Sorry, Kid. This will not happen on our watch. I see what happens to children who are raised with no accountability or responsibility for their actions. You will not be one of these children. 

                I’d like to apologize in advance for the very hard lessons your father and I will instill in you. This is just one of the downfalls to having a therapist for a mom who studies human behavior for a living. I can’t imagine we’ll be popular parents and your peers may express pity on you. That’s ok. You know why that’s ok? Because when you are a respectful, kind, compassionate, hard-working, successful man, you will thank us. (And I will look at those parents who talked about us and whose children pitied you with the greatest “Who’s the Bad Parent Now!?” face I can muster up. Just kidding. Not really.)

                Your father and I love you so much already and only want the best for you. We want you to be happy, well-adjusted, grateful, loving, compassionate, and hard-working. These will come naturally to you as long as you meet, and possibly exceed, the expectations set for you – by us and yourself.  

With Unconditional Love,

Mom 

Appreciation

So, apparently, the expression of my appreciation of the phrase “Thank You” has turned me in into a person who requires acknowledgement and praise for what I do.

I feel as if we are living in a world of entitlement. As if we are owed something. As if we deserve something. As if our mere presence is reason enough for gifts, promotions, donations, etcetera, to just fall to our feet. Wrong. So, so, wrong.

We are here because someone has created us. We are here because someone has unselfishly stepped aside so we can have the best possible life. We are here because someone has given us words of encouragement. We are here because someone has shown us what not to do. We are here because someone has died for our sins (if you believe that sort of thing). We have accomplished what we have because someone has helped us along the way. Bottom line: We are here because of someone else.

I was heartbroken when my appreciation for appreciation was questioned and was saddened that I even needed to argue my stance.

For the record, I do not expect gratitude for all I do. However, when I donate my hard earned and (very, very) minimal money, I would hope to receive a “Thank You” from the friend or colleague raising that money. Without donations from your friends and peers, you would not have been able to reach your goal. Without a gift, your wedding/shower/birthday/Christmas lists would remain empty.

If someone does something nice for you, say “Thank You”. Just today, I watched Monday night’s episode of How I Met your Mother. Marshall was horrified to learn he had not sent a “Thank You” note to his friend, Ted. He said (and I’m paraphrasing here) that Thank You notes are extremely important to his family and they actually have a motto: (not paraphrased) “Lick it before your stick it”. As in, lick the stamp before you stick it in the mail. I wish more families had this motto.

If you truly feel you are where you are in this exact moment, with all you have accomplished because you have done so 100% on your own, then disregard this post. However, if you feel as if someone has helped you get to this moment, just show appreciation. Just say, “Thank You”. These two words are not said enough. If you feel gratitude for something, just say so. Just say, “Thank You”.

Thoughts in Traffic

This past week I was stuck in traffic on southbound 880 at about 6:30pm. Traffic is a rare occurrence for me. I live within 5 miles of both of my jobs. Two consecutive stop lights are the worst of my commute. Sad story, I know. My drive home started with waiting 10 minutes to get onto the freeway. However, Manic Monday came on and I started singing and dancing in my car. Traffic is fun! Thanks to The Bangles for getting this drive off to a good start! I hit the “Scan” button on the radio and stopped at songs that I could sing along to. I’m sure I looked like a crazy lady in my car, but it was actually a good time.

At one point, maybe at the 880/101 interchange, I began looking around at the drivers next me. I wondered what their day had been like. Did they have a good day? Did anyone get a raise? Did anyone get laid off? What were they going to do with the rest of their day? What were they having for dinner? What were they going home to? A loving pet? A sick family member? An abusive spouse? Some thoughts were depressing, I know. Although it got me to think about the home I was going to. I was going home to a loving and supportive husband. A husband who has proven countless times just how much he cares about me and wants nothing more than for me to be happy and successful. The worst thing I faced going home was dirty dishes and, perhaps, a dirtier floor.

This thought sparked something in me. How awesome would it be to document what people were thinking at any given moment? I mean, what were you doing at 6:30pm on Thursday, August 22? What were you thinking about? What were you happy, sad, angry, confused about? I would love to somehow collect all these thoughts. Not sure how it can happen. How do you gather genuine and authentic thoughts from people? My goal for this research experiment would be to gain perspective and an awareness of other people and the lives they live. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our thoughts, feelings, and stuff. If we’re able to read other peoples’ stories, it would allow for us to take into account that other people have stuff, too. The world is so much bigger than me and you. My worries, my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams, my destination, my stuff are no more important than yours. And yours are no more important than mine.

My Grandmothers

The death of a grandparent SUCKS! I must believe that the harder it is to accept one’s death is a true testament to our love for said person. I have lost both my grandmothers. 

My Nana Mary was the best. She was the most nonjudgmental, unbiased, open-minded, and accepting person I could ever meet. She was classy. I mean, she had true class. She could walk into a room and all heads would turn. Her scent. Her style. Her eyes. Her smile. She was a true woman. Her eyes hid all her struggles. Or did they expose them? Did her eyes show all that she had been through and yet, somehow, show the world that all would be okay? I learned a lot from that woman. I learned that no matter the trials and tribulations we go through , we go through them – meaning, we SURVIVE them. Should we survive the moments we believe are our last; the moments we feel we cannot go any farther yet, miraculously, we do – we did it! WE SURVIVED! My Nana Mary taught me not to forget those moments, but cherish them, for these are the moments that push us forward. These are the moments that motivate us to be better, stronger, more loving people. Without these moments we are lost. We are empty. We are self-absorbed, narcissistic shells of a human being. There is a much greater purpose out there for us and that purpose is to be there for others.

My Nana Trudy was equally as special to me. She had 16 grandchildren yet, whenever I called or visited, it was like I was her only one. I remember my last words to her: “See you in July!” I was being a smart ass (shocking – I know). I saw her on Easter and she asked me to stop by sometime because she loved my visits. I told her I would and that I loved her. She understood how busy I was. I was working three jobs at the time. Knowing my schedule would by settling down soon, I jokingly said “see you in July” because I couldn’t fathom taking time to drive ten minutes to see her. Never in my wildest dreams would I imagine that July would never come. How could I put work before my grandmother? How could I justify not taking any time out to see her? I wish I could remember the last time I spent any quality alone time with her. I believe I do – but that was well over a year ago and that would just be too hard to admit.

I hope I am to my grandchildren what these women were to me. I am who I am because they were in my life. I pray every day that they are looking down on me and watching over me. I pray they know how much I love them and miss them. I pray they do not hold any resentment towards me for not spending as much time with them as I should or could have. I pray they will be by my side for the rest of my Earthly life until we meet again. And lastly, I pray they are saying “stop crying, you fool! We know you love us. Stop wasting time and catch up on your Real Housewives!! We’re having way too much fun up here to feel sorry for you!”