I Am Important

This was the first full weekend I have been away from Justin. Nate and I have had nights off here and there, but this was the first 48-hour stretch without him. This was a weird and emotional weekend for me. On one hand, I have loved reconnecting with my husband; on the other, I want to see my baby. I talked about Justin and checked in via text every chance I got to see how he was doing. I asked my mom to send me pictures of him, as if I had forgotten what he looked like. I know this is normal, but holy cow, woman, cut the cord!

I have re-learned many things this weekend. First and foremost, it is essential to have time away from kids. Nate and I got to do the things we haven’t been able to do since before Justin. Like go out to dinner, play games, and SLEEP. Uninterrupted, blissful sleep. Nate and I got to talk and just be with each other. It has been very nice.

I also got some alone time in. I sat in the backyard, read a good book, and drank wine. It was so relaxing and peaceful. I enjoyed every minute of it. In the last year, I have done just a few things for myself. I realized there are so many things I want to do, but haven’t. I need to make sure I take frequent time-outs for myself. 

I was also reminded just how very much I love my son. Sure I write posts about how frustrating it is to be a mom or how I wish I could give Justin away, but at the end of the day, I love this boy more than life itself. I can’t imagine my life without him and am so blessed to have and know him. My life has changed drastically since he entered this world and I will forever be thankful.

My take-away from this weekend is that it is okay to have time away – from your kid, spouse, whoever. I am important. My aspirations are important. My hobbies are important. My time alone is important. Although kind of a whirlwind, conflicting weekend, I am so grateful to have had it.

Oh, and Pedialyte works wonders for a hangover. You’re welcome.

Perspective

I’ve been with Justin minus, maybe, four hours since Friday at 4:00pm. It is now Monday night at 7:42pm. In that time I have wanted to walk away from parenting and have my tubes tied approximately 84 times. Justin is teething, not sleeping well, and is fussing every 6 minutes. I cannot leave the room without him crying. I have been up between 4:30 and 5:00 each morning. Feel sorry for me yet? I can keep going…

Just now, a very dear friend and horrible, rotten person posted this video onto Facebook. You see, I enjoy feeling sorry for myself. It makes me feel okay for eating ice cream and drinking Chardonnay. It makes me feel as if I have things so badly I deserve my vices. I don’t like when people bring to my attention how good I have it and how fortunate I am. I. Don’t. Like. It. I mean, really? Who likes a dose of reality? Not this girl.

I’m posting this video and warning all parents who have thought, just thought about dropping their child off at the local fire station. Don’t do it. Well, unless you’re a cracked-out whore, then by all means, gets to steppin'. But if you’re in my circle of friends and acquaintances I can’t imagine that’s the case. And if that IS the case I need to work on my judgment skills. 

Here’s the video: http://storie.worthytoshare.com/husband-didnt-expect-to-have-a-daughter-that-was-different. Go ahead. Don’t cry. Don’t run into your child’s room and give him a million kisses. Don’t ever wonder how on Earth you could ever imagine giving your child away. I dare you.

I needed to see this video tonight. I had been questioning this whole parenting thing this weekend and wondering if I was up to the challenge of having more kids. NOT that I’m saying I’m having more, but this video, at the very least, helped the kid I do have. Being a good parent is hard work. I am so thankful to have a healthy boy. I am so thankful to have a boy who is thriving. I am so thankful I can provide him all he needs. I am so thankful.

Come on, Get Happy!

I would be lying if I said 2014 wasn’t one of the greatest years of my life. I gave birth to the cutest, happiest little man ever. Ever. Sorry, other boys… However, there’s still something missing. NO! Not another kid. Don’t even think it. I’ll give you a second to take back that thought. Dum da dum… Queue Jeopardy music… Did you take it back? Thank You.

I think what I have found to be missing is balance and complete happiness. I know this is hard for any new mom to find, but I believe I can. First off, I need to let go of the woman I was before Justin. That woman was organized, clean, cooked most nights, didn’t ask for much help, and was usually always prepared. Post-Justin woman is a mess, still clean, heats up frozen meals, asks for help all the time, and well, can’t see beyond the next hour. I’m sure I’m not the only one, and, if I am, keep it to yourself, Superwomen.

As I reflect on 2014 and prepare (ha!) for 2015, I need to remind myself that my life is very different from last year and it does not make sense to do things as I did before. I refrain from ever using the term “Old Self” in therapy. To me, this implies that there was something terribly wrong about that former self. You see, I would not be who I am today if it had not been for all my previous experiences, thoughts, and feelings. I must thank the Aimee that came before me, or my “Evolved Self”. She molded me into who I am today. My “Evolved Self” has provided me the insight and perspective I need to continue growing and learning.

My goal in 2015 is to be happy. Here’s how I am going to do it: 

·       First, I am going to remove any toxins that are in my life: lack of exercise, poor eating habits, people, and etcetera. If at any time I question what I am doing or who is around me, I will remove it. (Unless it’s chardonnay or a Pizookie, but anything else....)

·      Second, I will take control of my feelings. I have written about this before, but I think I need a refresher. I am in control of my thoughts and feelings and no one can take that power from me. I will not allow anyone to dictate how I feel. When I am happy, no amount of bitching, negativity, anxiety, or passive-aggressive behavior can trump the way I feel.

·      Third, and most simply, I need to remind myself that I “get” to do things versus “having” to do things. I “get” to do laundry because I am in a home with a washer and dryer and I have so many clothes that need washing. I “get” to wake up at 3:00 nearly every morning to feed my son because I have been blessed with a healthy baby. I “get” to go to work because I need money. That last example didn’t sound as positive, but it’s still true.

I don’t believe finding happiness is any real struggle or complicated maze to navigate. If it doesn’t make you happy, find a way to make it better or stop doing it. Don’t settle for anything that doesn’t make you happy because you think that’s all you deserve. We ALL deserve to be happy. Go out and find your happiness.

Becoming Apparent

 

I have now been a mother for 34 days and have learned, or realized, so much. The first thing I’ve learned is that we are all simple creatures. My son is completely content when clean, fed, rested, kissed, hugged, and acknowledged. He knows what’s up. Often times we complicate everything and we really don’t need to. Do we have means to a clean ass? Are our stomachs full? Do our heads lie on a cozy pillow, and if we’re lucky, next to the love of our life each night? Are we loved and appreciated by those around us? I can answer “Yes” to all of these, which makes my life A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. (Throw in the fact I have a housecleaning service come in bi-weekly and it’s like I’m living a frickin’ fairytale.)

What Justin has reminded me is that when these basic needs are met, we have the ability to be at peace. Sure, shitty things happen, but that’s just a part of life. It’s no wonder, then, how soothing a good meal, a nap, an embrace, or a kind word can be. See? Simple.

It’s been no secret in my circle of friends and family that I have had, at times, crippling anxiety. I could trace it back to when I was much younger, but it really didn’t show up (read: diagnosed) until 2008. I had gotten married and watched my Nana die within a short few months of each other. Those two huge life events lead me on my path of self-discovery and Xanax. Since then, with the help of my amazing therapist (and wine), I have learned new ways to cope with my anxiety.

It really wasn’t until I got pregnant did I feel like I had a handle on my anxiety. I did not want that negativity and toxicity in my body. I basically made the decision not to be anxious. Sounds easy, right? Well, it was. I had all I needed: food, shelter, love. Anything more than that is a blessing and anything less than that will be dealt with when the problem presented itself. I didn’t have words for this until I had Justin. Is there a problem? Solve it. Is there not a problem? Don’t create one. I can’t imagine Justin lies awake at night worrying about his next explosive poop or if someone will have food for him when he wakes up. He lives in the moment and that is something to admire.

I titled this blog entry “Becoming Apparent” because it’s all so clear to me now (as clear as things can be in a sleep deprived haze). It’s a play on words. So clever, am I. I’ve become a parent and it’s apparent now how complicated I have made my life up until this point. Here I thought it was my job to teach Justin things, little did I know that I would be the student.