Grief

We all experience grief in our own way. Others may not understand the way I do it, but I don’t necessarily understand how others grieve, either. I prefer to be sad and to make as many jokes as possible. I’m not quite as bad as Chandler on Friends. I’m not that inappropriate or awkward, but I do try to find humor wherever I can. I’m Irish – I can’t help it.

This morning, my family learned of the death of my grandmother. I had been preparing myself for this. I have already lost a grandmother, I can do this again. I was wrong. I walked into my Nana Trudy’s house this morning, expecting to be able to say my final goodbyes, but learned I was an hour late.

Depending on which “Stages of Grief” model you follow, guilt is a stage. I felt extreme guilt today. Guilty for not spending as much time with my Nana as I should have, even when she asked me point-blank to come visit. Guilty for not going over last night when I felt I should have. Guilty for telling my cousin not to go over last night and to wait to go this morning. Guilty for having my aunt console me after she just lost her mother. Guilt is a horrible thing. But guilt is also a chance to do better next time.

With every guilty feeling, we gain the opportunity to do better. We do not feel guilt without knowing that we should or could have done better or differently. We must not ignore feelings of guilt because it is a reminder that change can be made. Although guilt can be crippling if held onto, we must be able to let go of that guilt but not of the lesson it taught us, for all things that occur, cannot be undone.

It’s funny. We aim to live our lives as if each day could be our last. I think our new aim should be to live our lives as if it is someone else’s last day. If you love someone, tell them. If you miss them, visit them. If you are thinking about them, call them.