Come on, Get Happy!

I would be lying if I said 2014 wasn’t one of the greatest years of my life. I gave birth to the cutest, happiest little man ever. Ever. Sorry, other boys… However, there’s still something missing. NO! Not another kid. Don’t even think it. I’ll give you a second to take back that thought. Dum da dum… Queue Jeopardy music… Did you take it back? Thank You.

I think what I have found to be missing is balance and complete happiness. I know this is hard for any new mom to find, but I believe I can. First off, I need to let go of the woman I was before Justin. That woman was organized, clean, cooked most nights, didn’t ask for much help, and was usually always prepared. Post-Justin woman is a mess, still clean, heats up frozen meals, asks for help all the time, and well, can’t see beyond the next hour. I’m sure I’m not the only one, and, if I am, keep it to yourself, Superwomen.

As I reflect on 2014 and prepare (ha!) for 2015, I need to remind myself that my life is very different from last year and it does not make sense to do things as I did before. I refrain from ever using the term “Old Self” in therapy. To me, this implies that there was something terribly wrong about that former self. You see, I would not be who I am today if it had not been for all my previous experiences, thoughts, and feelings. I must thank the Aimee that came before me, or my “Evolved Self”. She molded me into who I am today. My “Evolved Self” has provided me the insight and perspective I need to continue growing and learning.

My goal in 2015 is to be happy. Here’s how I am going to do it: 

·       First, I am going to remove any toxins that are in my life: lack of exercise, poor eating habits, people, and etcetera. If at any time I question what I am doing or who is around me, I will remove it. (Unless it’s chardonnay or a Pizookie, but anything else....)

·      Second, I will take control of my feelings. I have written about this before, but I think I need a refresher. I am in control of my thoughts and feelings and no one can take that power from me. I will not allow anyone to dictate how I feel. When I am happy, no amount of bitching, negativity, anxiety, or passive-aggressive behavior can trump the way I feel.

·      Third, and most simply, I need to remind myself that I “get” to do things versus “having” to do things. I “get” to do laundry because I am in a home with a washer and dryer and I have so many clothes that need washing. I “get” to wake up at 3:00 nearly every morning to feed my son because I have been blessed with a healthy baby. I “get” to go to work because I need money. That last example didn’t sound as positive, but it’s still true.

I don’t believe finding happiness is any real struggle or complicated maze to navigate. If it doesn’t make you happy, find a way to make it better or stop doing it. Don’t settle for anything that doesn’t make you happy because you think that’s all you deserve. We ALL deserve to be happy. Go out and find your happiness.

Becoming Apparent

 

I have now been a mother for 34 days and have learned, or realized, so much. The first thing I’ve learned is that we are all simple creatures. My son is completely content when clean, fed, rested, kissed, hugged, and acknowledged. He knows what’s up. Often times we complicate everything and we really don’t need to. Do we have means to a clean ass? Are our stomachs full? Do our heads lie on a cozy pillow, and if we’re lucky, next to the love of our life each night? Are we loved and appreciated by those around us? I can answer “Yes” to all of these, which makes my life A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. (Throw in the fact I have a housecleaning service come in bi-weekly and it’s like I’m living a frickin’ fairytale.)

What Justin has reminded me is that when these basic needs are met, we have the ability to be at peace. Sure, shitty things happen, but that’s just a part of life. It’s no wonder, then, how soothing a good meal, a nap, an embrace, or a kind word can be. See? Simple.

It’s been no secret in my circle of friends and family that I have had, at times, crippling anxiety. I could trace it back to when I was much younger, but it really didn’t show up (read: diagnosed) until 2008. I had gotten married and watched my Nana die within a short few months of each other. Those two huge life events lead me on my path of self-discovery and Xanax. Since then, with the help of my amazing therapist (and wine), I have learned new ways to cope with my anxiety.

It really wasn’t until I got pregnant did I feel like I had a handle on my anxiety. I did not want that negativity and toxicity in my body. I basically made the decision not to be anxious. Sounds easy, right? Well, it was. I had all I needed: food, shelter, love. Anything more than that is a blessing and anything less than that will be dealt with when the problem presented itself. I didn’t have words for this until I had Justin. Is there a problem? Solve it. Is there not a problem? Don’t create one. I can’t imagine Justin lies awake at night worrying about his next explosive poop or if someone will have food for him when he wakes up. He lives in the moment and that is something to admire.

I titled this blog entry “Becoming Apparent” because it’s all so clear to me now (as clear as things can be in a sleep deprived haze). It’s a play on words. So clever, am I. I’ve become a parent and it’s apparent now how complicated I have made my life up until this point. Here I thought it was my job to teach Justin things, little did I know that I would be the student.

A Letter to Our Unborn Son

Dear Son,

                I just wanted to give you a heads up that you are going to hate your father and me at some point. And when that happens, I’m going to smile, because I will know we’re doing our job correctly. It is our job to be your parents, not your friend. We are going to set expectations for you. We will expect you to treat others with respect and dignity. We will expect you to follow rules. We will expect you to be honest and truthful. We will expect you to always try your best. We will expect you to be kind. If any of these expectations are not met, there will be consequences. I don’t know what those consequences are right now, but trust me, you will be upset and hate us. You will be upset, not at me, not at your father, but at yourself. Why will you be upset with yourself, you wonder? You will be upset with yourself because you will know you did not meet the expectations set out for you, when you know you are more than capable of doing so.

                This may seem harsh and you will undoubtedly hate us once you’re old enough to know what’s going on. It’s culturally acceptable right now for parents to turn a blind eye to and make excuses for the things their children do. It’s culturally acceptable for schools to do the same. It’s culturally acceptable to teach our youth that there are no consequences to their actions. It’s culturally acceptable to let our youth do and have whatever they want without earning it. Without even working for it. Sorry, Kid. This will not happen on our watch. I see what happens to children who are raised with no accountability or responsibility for their actions. You will not be one of these children. 

                I’d like to apologize in advance for the very hard lessons your father and I will instill in you. This is just one of the downfalls to having a therapist for a mom who studies human behavior for a living. I can’t imagine we’ll be popular parents and your peers may express pity on you. That’s ok. You know why that’s ok? Because when you are a respectful, kind, compassionate, hard-working, successful man, you will thank us. (And I will look at those parents who talked about us and whose children pitied you with the greatest “Who’s the Bad Parent Now!?” face I can muster up. Just kidding. Not really.)

                Your father and I love you so much already and only want the best for you. We want you to be happy, well-adjusted, grateful, loving, compassionate, and hard-working. These will come naturally to you as long as you meet, and possibly exceed, the expectations set for you – by us and yourself.  

With Unconditional Love,

Mom