I have now been a mother for 34
days and have learned, or realized, so much. The first thing I’ve learned is
that we are all simple creatures. My son is completely content when clean, fed,
rested, kissed, hugged, and acknowledged. He knows what’s up. Often times we
complicate everything and we really
don’t need to. Do we have means to a clean ass? Are our stomachs full? Do our
heads lie on a cozy pillow, and if we’re lucky, next to the love of our life
each night? Are we loved and appreciated by those around us? I can answer “Yes”
to all of these, which makes my life A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. (Throw in the fact I have a
housecleaning service come in bi-weekly and it’s like I’m living a frickin’
fairytale.)
What Justin has reminded me is that
when these basic needs are met, we have the ability to be at peace. Sure,
shitty things happen, but that’s just a part of life. It’s no wonder, then, how
soothing a good meal, a nap, an embrace, or a kind word can be. See? Simple.
It’s been no secret in my circle of
friends and family that I have had, at times, crippling anxiety. I could trace
it back to when I was much younger, but it really didn’t show up (read:
diagnosed) until 2008. I had gotten married and watched my Nana die within a
short few months of each other. Those two huge life events lead me on my path of
self-discovery and Xanax. Since then, with the help of my amazing therapist
(and wine), I have learned new ways to cope with my anxiety.
It really wasn’t until I got
pregnant did I feel like I had a handle on my anxiety. I did not want that
negativity and toxicity in my body. I basically made the decision not to be
anxious. Sounds easy, right? Well, it was. I had all I needed: food, shelter,
love. Anything more than that is a blessing and anything less than that will be
dealt with when the problem presented itself. I didn’t have words for this
until I had Justin. Is there a problem? Solve it. Is there not a problem? Don’t create one. I can’t imagine Justin lies awake
at night worrying about his next explosive poop or if someone will have food
for him when he wakes up. He lives in the moment and that is something to
admire.
I titled this blog entry “Becoming
Apparent” because it’s all so clear to me now (as clear as things can be in a
sleep deprived haze). It’s a play on words. So clever, am I. I’ve become a
parent and it’s apparent now how complicated I have made my life up until this
point. Here I thought it was my job to teach Justin things, little did I know
that I would be the student.
